Correct me if I'm wrong, but the term "food poisoning" definitely seems to imply that someone purposefully poisoned my food in order to make me hate my life and blog about it endlessly as a coping mechanism. It's different from food "contamination." That sounds like an accident to me. But I don't have food contamination. I have food poisoning. So I have narrowed down my suspects to 3, one of which is twice as likely to be the culprit.

First we have unnamed-boy-from-ward who brought over chocolate cake yesterday. I don't know this boy and statistics show that most kidnappers and sexual predators are friends or family of the victim. I feel that this is also true of food poisoners so I do not think it was him. Next we have Claire's visiting teachers. They brought over a plate of pumpkin treats of some sort. Now this situation requires some thinking outside the box. You see, these treats were not actually intended for me in the first place. So... were they trying to poison Claire and due to a twisted turn of fate I was the one to actually bite the witch's apple? Claire has never done anything to hurt anybody so I really don't think anyone would have it out for her.

So last but not least we have the most obvious suspect. They say to always keep your enemies close and this one was right under my nose. Claire prepared 2 food items for me yesterday. Toasted pumpkin seeds AND microwave taquitos. That's right. I hope you can all tell what a healthy eater I am after this blog post. Anyway Claire must be the one because she has the best cover story. She is my roommate. She is my best friend. She is basically my sister. How could someone so close to me do this? Well easy, no one would suspect her. But my detective skills are much better than that. So you've been outed Claire. Now tell me what I did to deserve this? I'm sorry I took so long to wash your sweatshirt and return it. I'm sorry Sebastian pooped in your room. I'm sorry I forgot to tell you your fly was down all day. What?
I love you Claire. Forgive and forget. Lylas bff.


claire said...

it was the pumpkin seeds.

Nate H. said...

what if it was me?

alex aulelio shahan said...

'food poisoning' is an outdated term. it's correctly termed 'food borne illness'. just sayin.