1.30.2013

..And it's because I do what I know is bad for me! I know that looking at facebook or blogs for too long, particularly looking at other pretty girls pictures, makes me feel so bad about myself. I partly compare myself to others who appear to be more beautiful and in better shape and to make more money and wear cuter clothes and have cooler friends and lives which makes me feel like crap.. and then I partly rag on the same girls thinking how ridiculous and materialistic and narcissistic they are.. but neither of those thoughts makes me feel good. I know I just need to avoid the temptation or even the opportunity to be tempted to start comparing myself with others. There's absolutely no point in it. And I know I need to stay away from facebook and blogs. The internet is not reality, Lindsay! And yeah - it's a bummer to admit that I'm not just 100% confident in my own skin and fearless and that, yeah, I do feel self conscious and less-than sometimes even when John tells me a thousand times a day that I'm perfect. I clearly am not, so sometimes instead of thinking it's sweet I think he must be lying to my face or have seriously impaired judgement. I feel like a teenager. And being a teenager sucked. I want to wear my "I hate everyone" t-shirt, even though I don't really have one and I could never actually wear something like that in public. The closest thing I really do have is a "Kill hipsters" t-shirt.. which is more ironic than indicative of my feelings towards "hipsters" ..whatever those are now.

Am I on my period? yes.
Will I regret this post? yes.
Do I care? I want to say no and act like I don't but I really do.
Do I kinda want to make everyone around me mad? yes but no but yes.
Is anyone around me? no but John will be home soon and I hope I'm not a total jerk to him. I'm gonna try to be sweet. I will be sweet. Even though I'm resentful of things that aren't real that I just made up in my head like dumb facebook comments that I am sensitive to but shouldn't be.
Am I taking crazy pills? no but I should be.

6 comments:

C. said...

I guess the irony of this is that before I read this post I clicked through a few of your pictures and was thinking how beautiful you were, and how happy you looked on your wedding day. And I remembered that you sometimes felt like this (I think because you've posted it before) and thought about how so many of us can't actually see what's in the mirror, and how we need people around us who seem to love us in spite of everything to remind us that there's more than our feelings on this day or that. I'm not sure what I'm saying anymore, but there it is.

Emma Erickson said...

hahahahaha you are totally nuts but definitely not alone. i love you

Marci LeBaron Watson said...

i met you once lindsay. im claires friend. you are a cutie and really funny, and i do read your blog. over and out.

[AnnieR] said...

Annie, as in, like, me? No. I do not think you're out of your mind. I think you sound exactly like me. I swear I've written this same blog post before and have definitely had these same thoughts and feelings before. And have them quite frequently. And have had them quite recently as well. Gah. We will always be teens!

Kristie said...

I went through this same feeling (and still do). I compare myself constantly to people, especially other bloggers and it sucks. All you can do is shut that computer when the kasheesties (what I call the negative thoughts)start to invade.

In regard to thinking John is lying to you, I feel this way all the time when Karl tells me I'm perfect. It's so hard to believe when we don't believe it ourselves. It will get easier to trust that as time goes by. Just take it one day at a time and keep your chin up. :)

Pearl said...

I feel like it's something wired in all women. It's so easy looking at ex boyfriend's ex girlfriend's twitter feeds or instagram pics & poke fun. The only thing that helps me is thinking that we are all working towards the same goal of happiness. Other people being happy and succeeding doesn't dull my successes in life. "Comparison is the thief of joy." It's the HARDEST obstacle to overcome. Another thing that has helped me is accepting other people and their talents/beauty. "Yeah, those dudettes ARE beautiful. And they look like they are fun people to be around. I'm sure we could be great friends if we were given the opportunity."

You are such a megababe, Lindsay. Don't forget it. You are so extremely talented-- you have an artistic eye, creative, and a joy to be around. I hope life is going great for you, and that you're succeeding in all your endeavors.